I want to take a moment and veer completely off course for today. I want to get real for a second, put myself out there in the raw and touch on something that I think we can all benefit from.
I’ve recently experienced some personal trauma that has forced to me re-evaluate every nook and cranny of my entire life. It has made me take a long hard look at who I am as an individual, a mother, a partner, and an entrepreneur. This process has ripped me open, chewed me up and spit me out. It’s been hell in a handbasket and I’ve got to be honest… It’s been quite the struggle. Its been weird as I feel strong but vulnerable. I feel empowered but also very scared.
The event that caused the trauma has since come and gone. It’s been a month of what I thought was coping and moving forward. Turns out I was wrong. I was numbing out instead. I was pushing people away. I was not focused. Business has suffered more than I care to admit. I was not being true to myself or anyone around me. Telling everyone I’m ok, I’m fine. All is good! It’s not entirely true. I’m one hell of a hot mess!
One thing we don’t take enough time for is self-love – especially in the wake of trauma. We don’t take the time to heal our gaping wounds. Instead, we cover them and let them seethe and abscess. They slowly kill who we are and who we are meant to be. This is what I have been doing for the past month.
This morning I decided to rip that bandaid off and expose myself. It hurt like hell. Self-realization is a real bitch. The tears have flowed like crazy and the pain is real. I’ve been facing the things I need to heal, feeling the emotions I shoved so far deep into myself that I just couldn’t really feel anything at all. I’ve burned out by focusing on work, I’ve not been sleeping well. My anxiety has been so bad that I constantly feel like I’m going to puke or pass out. I cannot eat more than half a meal a day. My energy levels just don’t exist. My body has been aching more than ever. This is all really bad news bears! Even I know that. Something’s gotta give!
So I’ve been sitting here for hours now sorting out my head. Crying, hurting, questioning, feeling. I’ve never really taken the time to really sit back all alone and really discover true self-love or self-care. As a mother, I am always looking out for the well-being of my children. As a wife, I was always making sure he was content. As an entrepreneur, I’m always making sure my clients are satisfied. I never really had time for myself. I never really took a moment to think about my needs. Sure, I’m a happy woman. I’m a proud woman. I’m an independent woman. But I’m also a damaged woman who never allowed herself to truly heal from past wounds and while I am happy, proud and independent… I’m also damaged, bordering on broken because I’ve never taken the time to really heal.
Self-love is real y’all! We need to take that time to self-love and really heal. We just don’t do that anymore. We need to face those demons we bury or rip open those gaping wounds and tend to them properly so they can heal. We need to forgive ourselves. We need to accept that we are not perfect and we never will be. We have to learn to love ourselves more than anything. This is where true peace and happiness really comes from. And I know all this stuff so why do I still suffer? Because it’s damn hard to admit our faults, it’s damn hard to face our demons. It’s damn hard to face trauma and not blame ourselves. But we really have to. Our mental health and our overall well-being depend on it.
So whoever you are and wherever you live, please take a moment every now and then to indulge in a little self-love and self-care from time to time. It’s ok to shut out the world and do something nice and healthy for yourself. Whether that is opening those gaping internal wounds to clear them out so they can properly heal, or even just something as simple as running a bath with some lovely lavender essential oils. I cannot stress enough how important it is to take care of yourself… Mind, body, and soul. No matter if it’s something relaxing or if it’s going to hurt like hell, do it anyways. You deserve peace. You deserve healing. You deserve to love yourself.
I’m learning that I deserve self-love too and I will persevere because I am strong and I am motivated and determined to be the best version of myself. I’ve worked too damn hard to get to where I am today and I still have many goals and dreams to reach and surpass. But you can’t pour water from an empty vessel, so please remember amidst this chaos we call life… Take a little time each and every day to love who you are, to better yourself, to believe in yourself. You deserve it.